Konan On Top - An Akatsuki Story
by SeverNSkull
Summary: Konan is an aspiring writer, with a big advantage and flaw, she lives with the Akatsuki. In response to having her story ruined, she starts writing about her group, but it doesn't remain a secret for long when the group's creepy stalker, Obito discovers. Does Konan start to develop feelings for the one blackmailing her! Contains yaoi. Road to Ninja parody. Awkward pairing. AU
1. Chapter 1: I'm Going To Hurt You

_**This is my first story, so to explain, this is the Menma-universe not Naruto-universe! If you have any questions, message or review. Also, although my primary pairings are Konan-Pein, Konan-Obito, and Deidara-Itachi, this is a parody; there are other pairings, omakes, and MA rated material! These stories are from either Konan's point of view or Obito's and are not a part of the story! They are stories that are written by the characters. So a story within the story.  
**_

_**WARNING!**_

_**Some of the characters are NOT like their Naruto-verse counterparts. Remember the 6th movie? 'Road to Ninja'? I'm not going to add any more spoilers so you'll just have to read it, but like I said, there are changes to their personalities and backstories, etc.**_

_**Well, enjoy! Don't forget to review! It gets better as it goes on! Thanks for reading!  
**_

_**Also, since I had to remove a major part of the story, as you can see there's a huge break in the middle, the full story will be available on  .com  Yes, that's me. SeverNSkull. I'll tell you again, it IS yaoi. there will be yaoi and there will be hentai and ecchi... blah blah blah. You know the drill.**_

_**I do not own Naruto or its characters, but if I did, I would make my Obi-chan turn into a good guy and I'd never let Akatsuki die, except Zetsu. He's just fucking creepy. Sorry. **_

* * *

Konan sat uncomfortably in the living quarters of the hideout as voices raised and chatter surrounded her. Although the Akatsuki wasn't very large, _some members_ really couldn't hold their tongues very well. She wanted nothing more than to go to her room and write. She really didn't want to be stuck watching 'Naruto' again, I might add.

This wasn't the same world as in the show, ironically enough. In this world the Akatsuki were mercenaries for hire rather than cold, deadly serial killers. Every week the group would watch the new episode of 'Naruto' on television. Of course, as always, Deidara and Sasori were debating on their _art_, if it could be called that.

"Art is a bang, un! Your idea of art is wrong, Danna." The effeminate blond man wailed clutching a fist. The bomber was standing in front of the television in his black shirt and tan shinobi pants, not bothering to wear his toeless boots. A bluish grey man with shark-like teeth and blue pointy hair wretched himself around Deidara to see the screen. He looked very much annoyed by the pair's argument.

Completely ignored Kisame, the shark-man said, "Do you guys mind? I'm trying to-"

"Shut up, brat. Art should be eternal and everlasting." The redhead said in a calm monotone. The puppeteer was sitting shirtless and almost unresponsive with dark grey capris pants.

"Says the idiot that died _first_, un!" Deidara yelled back, as though he wasn't being heard to begin with.

Sasori's aura darkened. Deidara had succeeded in getting under the puppet master's skin, once again. He smirked victoriously.

Sasori set his razor-tipped tail out to attack the blond bomber whom leapt away, expecting the attack. Instead the razor-tipped tail opted for the television, sending sparks flying and smashing it against the wall with a forcefully loud crunch.

Konan sighed and tried to keep up her mask as she sat on the sofa, fisting the hem of her dress in her hand. No matter what the guys did she always kept face and ignored it but her patience was dwindling down. Almost unfortunately, she wasn't Leader. In fact, once Nagato found out that the television was broken for the third week in a row, they'd be regretful of it. She made a face as she imagined their punishments and smiled deviously.

"Hey, I was watching that." Kisame said bluntly. The bluish shark-man frowned and looked between Sasori and Deidara. Sasori shrugged and didn't seem to care, however Deidara insisted that although the television was now _art_, he pointed out that he hadn't destroyed it.

A raven-haired man with red eyes looked up from his book in a lazyboy in the farthest corner. He seemed to be the only one in his Akatsuki robe and uniform in the room. Obviously, you know who he is. Only Itachi would wear the uniform on his off-time. "Hn." He said before immersing himself back into his novel.

An orange flashed rushed by and sat down next to Konan. Kicking back and humming happily. "Yay! I get to watch my senpai on the magic box~!" The orange masked man said happily until he noticed the sparking broken machine on the entertainment table. He slid his mask up over his face, exposing his scarred face, revealing a ruby red Sharingan and a black eye patch over his left eye. "Did they break it _again_?" he asked no one in particular in a more serious voice. His face and coloring was similar to the resident genjutsu master now reading in the corner.

Konan nodded and Itachi 'hn-ed'.

The other man swore under his breath and scowled for a moment before smiling and replacing his mask before skipping off happily. One word could describe him: _strange_. That was Tobi, or Obito Uchiha, one of Itachi's distant relatives. Konan had met him many years ago when Yahiko was still alive, right after they formed Akatsuki. It was no secret that the previously unknown Uchiha gave her the creeps.

Well, at least Hidan and Kakuzu weren't here. They had a knack for arguing until everyone around them went completely insane. Even better, if you tried to kill them to shut them up, they were immortal. Honestly the world would be better off without them, and Deidara. (Hopefully he didn't destroy anything else, but that would be too optimistic.)

Pein was to investigate the mess soon and mangle Deidara and Sasori half to death soon so now seemed like as good a time as any for Konan to get back to her writing. She must have taken more after her sensei than she thought, but then again, her jutsu was paper-based.

She gracefully got off the couch and went down the hall towards her room. After swerving through countless corridors, she got to her door, decorated with a few origami flowers and stars. Seeing her handiwork made her smile and she went in more than happy to be left in silence to write her story.

She sighed in a daze, like a hopeless romantic and went about typing her story. Her heart ached as she thought of the best way to make the heroine's reunion to her long lost lover a deep, romantic pull-in for her readers. She was dying to tell her story she had masterfully written in her dreams.

* * *

_The shocked girl looked into the dark brown eyes before her. She had a strange feeling like the oxygen in the room had thinned as she realized that there was something familiar about her savior. She brushed the initial shock aside and swallowed her suspicions, bringing back her mask of vanity and her venomous tone, "Does a servant usually call his master so casually?"_

"_No," came the soft, strong masculine voice. "Please forgive me, Konan-sama." The warrior said solemnly. _ _His voice was irritatingly familiar; a phantom echoing from her past but as hard as she tried, she couldn't remember his voice for the life in her._

"_I shall forgive your slip of tongue this _once_," she said darkly, "but in return, remove your mask and show me your face." The young princess ordered. 'Now I have you!' she thought victoriously smirking to herself. Not on the outside, but in her mind. She'd never let one of her father's subordinates see her showing her feelings outright, but she was struggling to keep her composure. Her anticipation was getting the better of her._

_She could almost feel the samurai whom towered over her smiling. As creepy as it was she kept the gaze of the masked man. His mask depicted of a man with piercings and his mouth snarling as if he was screaming his war cry. _

"_As you wish, my liege," the man said with a shallow bow. Slowly he crept his hand up to his face and removing the mask. His dark, deep sensitive pools met the samurai princess's amber eyes and he smiled at her stupefied expression. _

_Konan clutched her fists by her side and suddenly turned her gaze to the polished floor, suddenly finding it more interesting, even more so when she saw droplets splatter on the wood. She hadn't realized she was crying. Quickly she wiped the tears away and turned up her chin back to the man before her. She couldn't meet his eyes again so she took all the composure and she had left, gathering he pride to her and tried to find the right words. Her mind was blank._

_The man reached out to her, taking her chin in his hand and turning her gaze on himself. His smile brightened and he chuckled to himself as he began to speak, "I missed you, Ko-chan."_

_Konan blushed profusely and muttered to herself, "Yahiko." Her voice was so silent that even she barely heard it. _

_That face. That face she hadn't seen in so long that she had almost forgotten it. The corners of Yahiko's mouth were upturned in that one smile that looked so bright and cheerful she'd forget all her troubles. His orange hair made him look juvenile compared to his other features; the spiky strands poking out in every direction. All she could do was star in awe at his sunshine-filled smile, only there were some things changed about him. His face was more defined and angular, his eyes weren't as big as they were when they were young, and under his eyes were darkened shadows matching his tired smile. Even though he did his best, his experience as a warrior showed through and Konan was well practiced in picking these things out._

_It was amazing to think that one of her closest childhood friends, the sweet, cheerful Yahiko had climbed the ranks so fast. It had been almost six years and she suddenly felt a pang in her chest with seeing him. What was that? She chose to ignore the feeling. _

"_How did you get here," she half-mumbled, wanting so badly to throw herself at him and embrace him in a warm hug but instead opting for interrogating him. _

"_I'm captain of the squad." He answered bluntly. _

_Konan wanted to facepalm. Duh! She _knew_ that!_

"_No! How did you get _here_? I thought you were dead!" Konan said with the tears starting up again._

_Yahiko stopped smiling and instead took his thumb and wiped the tears off his cheek. "Don't cry for my sake, Ko-chan. They can't kill me that easily." He smiled weakly as Konan made a gasping sob._

A sound of a door slamming and yelling, swearing voices filled the hall. The room thundered as the shock of the slammed door went through the rest of the structure. A long string of profanity followed. Yup, Hidan and Kakuzu were back. Well shit. It was going to be hard to finish now, but Konan couldn't surrender yet!

"_So many times, for such a long time-," Konan started but couldn't finish. She sobbed some more, burying her head into her sleeves. _

_Yahiko ruffled her hair, messing it up and getting a pissed off retort from Konan. "I'm sorry I didn't come sooner. I got…" he paused, "dragged into something."_

_Konan sniffled. Her tears ended. She was waiting, waiting for him for a long time. She was touched to see him again, but at the same time she was shocked, angry, and confused. She never thought that the day she had her reunion with Yahiko that it would be so close to her own wedding day and to another man whom completely revolted her. She _Hated_ with a capital 'H' Kabuto. He was just as slimy and cold-hearted as Orochimaru was. _

"You damn Jashinist freak! You cost me a heart! I should rip yours out of your chest and replace it," Kakuzu's gruff angry voice raged.

Although we were a mercenary group, some members still tried to kill each other. (*cough cough*: Deidara, Sasori, Hidan, and Kakuzu. *cough cough*) It really wasn't so bad, but sometimes, the fighting got out of hand. Like right now.

Hidan's voice echoed as he laughed. "If you can find it! As if that would fucking kill me anyways, you tentacle bastard!"

Konan rubbed her temples and sighed. We went back to her work, stroking the keyboard with her fingertips, where she would continue until her next disruption.

_The princess's anger overpowered her compassion. "Why? If you were alive, why didn't you come back? Why didn't you come back before now when I'm betrothed to… to that _thing_?" _

_Yahiko frowned. "I wanted to but-"_

"_Why Yahiko? You, you, baka!" she said after slapping him across his cheek. How could she forgive this? If he knew she'd be torn apart by his death, why didn't he come back? Instead he wanted to give her an excuse. Thanks to his absence she had changed. She had become a cold, drawn-back person whom had a heart for no one. So in order to keep her father in the good graces of the neighboring Otogakure, she agreed to marry the lord of that land's son. But now as the love of her life stood before her, the man she had waited on to return, even after the news of his death, she didn't know how she could go on with it. She still had feelings for him. _

"_I'm sorry Ko-chan," he said. _

_There was a sound by the door and Yahiko pulled away from her. A short blond figure stepped in with a slightly taller, disinterested redhead by his side. The blond looked between the two and slightly smirked before turning to Yahiko. "The intruders have been captured but we can't make out any identities. Unfortunately, a majority committed seppuku before we could… apprehend them, un."_

_Yahiko nodded. "Very well," he said his gaze was fixed to the limp bodies of the intruder's companions as they lay in pools of their own blood. "What are the casualties?"_

_The redhead sighed and answered in a bored manner, "Jiraya-sama has lost about fourteen men; Kakuzu is stitching up Hidan as we speak; the enemies about eight, plus your three; and we have the other one captured which we have Itachi interrogating right now, Leader-dono."_

_Yahiko nodded and Konan looked incredulous. She knew they were hired with good reason because neither country trusted the other with the life of their sole heir. Now Konan knew why the Akatsuki was the best._

"_Sasori, I want to know the moment, the _very _moment, that Itachi gets something from the intruder," Yahiko said in a cool monotone unlike the tenderness his voice held before when he spoke to her. Konan's face flushed with heat as she realized how terrifying he sounded in his emotionless tone and how she had just slapped him moments before the pair of samurai burst in._

_The redhead nodded and stalked off immediately. Yahiko turned his gaze to the short feminine blond. "Deidara, take Amega-sama a few floor down to the safe room I _had_ in mind before this 'event' occurred."_

_Konan knew that part was meant for her, seeing as she was the one whom insisted that she stay in her bedroom. Thankfully, Yahiko had correspondingly insisted on staying by her room to keep an eye on her._

_This 'Deidara' smirked at her. There was obviously some venomous crude statement on his tongue, just waiting for him to open his mouth and say it. "Well, come on, muffin, un. Leader can always see you later, un," he said in a smug sort of way._

_Yahiko's eyes flashed in that strange color for a moment, which swirled a violet color and his aura darkened but he kept his cool, indifferent stance. "One more word Deidara and I'll rip out your tongue and sew your lips shut with it."_

_The blond went silent and turned for Konan to follow him. She started to go but stopped as she saw Yahiko bend to sit on his haunches and examine the bodies. She still had a lot to say to ask him but she held her tongue and swallowed her words. "Yahiko, can we talk tomorrow night?" She asked, unsure of his willingness to even acknowledge her with Deidara in the room, glaring at them, obviously coming to some perverted conclusion. The thought sent heat to Konan's face. _

_Yahiko nodded in acknowledgement without turning to her. "Yes I'll- _**KILL YOU HIDAN YOU IDIOT! ALL THREE OF YOU ARE GOING TO DIE BECAUSE I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU A PAPERCUT YOU'LL NEVER FORGET YOU MORONS!** **WE'LL SEE IF JASHIN WILL LET YOU LIVE AFTER THIS!"**

Konan looked up in horror at the words she had accidentally written as she heard the screams of three voices locked in battle not far from her door. Another explosion roared out and made the room shake and dust blanket down from the ceiling.

Apparently, someone else found Hidan and Kakuzu's arguing disturbing. Deidara just moments before had gone out into the hall screaming at the pair for disrupting his 'artistic thoughts'. The blond bomber had run out throwing bombs at Hidan and Kakuzu and set them off while screaming at the pair to shut up. Kakuzu had hardened his body to protect himself from the blast and Hidan had taken the blow to the gut and swore, taunting the effeminate male. So now Hidan and Deidara were arguing while clashing and Kakuzu trying to kill the both of them with his long tentacles, but mostly after Hidan since he liked his reaction better and the priest had cost him a heart.

Kakuzu's gruff, enraged voice broke through the chaos the loudest. "Deidara, you impulsive moron! I should rip you apart!"

"I should blow you to hell, un," Deidara's voice broke through. An explosion followed immediately afterwards and then Hidan's laugh. "You ruined my masterpiece, un! Why the hell are you laughing idiot?"

Hidan's laughter ended with a chuckle. "Maybe you should convert you faggot fuck. Your prissy explosions won't hurt me girly bitch!"

Konan's eyes widened as there was a silence in the hallway. She knew there were three things that the blond hated hearing more than anything else; one, having his 'art' insulted; two, being called a girl; and three, anyone implying that he was into the same gender. Hidan just did all three. Well, now we were going to see if Hidan truly was immortal… at the cost of everyone's lives.

There was a dark, deadly aura in the air as Deidara's voice snarled out between his teeth, annunciating each word. "I'm – going – to – kill – you." His voice held a distinctly dark void he used whenever he was at his uttermost seriousness, like whenever he plotted to kill Itachi. Good times, good times.

Another more sinister voice chimed up through the hallway. "Deidara! Kakuzu! Hidan! Enough." The cold, menacing voice drove the three enraged S-rank monsters back in their place in their own respective silence. Konan immediately knew it was her longtime friend and partner, Pein.

"Deidara, go back to your room. I'll _deal with you_ later." Then brief silence went on for a moment before hurried footsteps departed down the halls and faded away. "Kakuzu, Hidan, why aren't you debriefing and filling out reports," Pein said in icy hostility.

Of course, the silence was too much for the Jashinist to bear. Hidan _had _to say something. The moron just _had_ to piss Pein off. "This fucker over here 'had' to bitch-"

"**SILENCE**!"

That outburst shut the priest up and ruffled Kakuzu's feathers or tentacles so to speak. Talking back to Pein was the equivalent of writing your own death warrant, if not a worse fate and oh ho ho, Pein _knew _pain.

"Debriefing. Now," Pein growled in a low voice. The three chakras disappeared from the hallway. Someone was in for it. Pein _never_ had an outburst like that unless he was really ticked off.

Konan sighed in relief. Who knew what would've happened if she had gone out there. Well that isn't true; she knew. She'd probably have gotten slashed by Hidan or blown apart by Deidara. Who knew what would've happened if Pein hadn't shown up on a whim. Thankfully she could always count on Nagato.

The fight didn't bother her; she was used to it, but she was pissed. The three idiots ruined _her _masterpiece! Her story was ruined by an idiot priest, an ancient tentacle-thing-guy, and a pyromaniac/bomber. Someone was going to pay, but what would she do against three powerful, legendary shinobi? Hidan was immortal, Kakuzu was also _nearly_ immortal, and Deidara on his own could rival a Kazekage with his stupid _art_. Stupid boys. Stupid egotistical, fighting boys. A fight against them would be useless. She'd have to think of something else, although with Deidara all you had to do was taunt him to get back at him…

Stop right there!

Konan's lips curled into a sadistic, devilish grin as she thought of a way to get her revenge for her ruined story. She was going to take advantage of her talents and her jutsu. Paper was a powerful instrument, even _deadly_ in her hands. She was going to take the playing field and use it to her advantage. She may not have a kekkai genkai, or a kinjutsu, or immortality, but she had the heart and mind of a writer. She would write misery into the lives of her fellow Akatsuki members. Besides, her fans would eat it up. They loved a good Akatsuki story. Konan was going to make it to the top. She was going to get her revenge for her sadly ruined story and derailed train of thought. Konan was going to be on top; the top of the Akatsuki! She may have been physically the weakest but mentally, she'd give Itachi a run for his money.

Konan laughed demonically to herself. However it sounded more cute and giggly than she had planned, embarrassing herself. Gee, I hope no one heard that…

Now, what to write? Konan knew exactly what to write and grinned to herself in her genius. Hidan had helped with his own demise; haven given her the idea while insulting Deidara. She could see the expression on the silver-haired priest, his visage riddled with shock, and his lavender eyes wide with horror.

'_Hah! Fear me! I am the mighty Akatsuki writer!'_ Konan thought to herself.

She didn't realize she was standing with her fist extended up into the air with a determined look on her face until she feel off her desk chair as it spun around. Her cheeks flushed; she was almost as bad as Haruno Sakura.

She leapt off the floor and sat back in her chair and began to write what would soon become the Akatsuki's worst nightmare.

* * *

_*****_**ATTENTION! This section has been deleted and censored for your protection. To read it, you can go on my deviantart, but I think my friends said you had to be 18+ and have a deviantart because they can't seem to get to it. Thanks! -SeverNSkull **

* * *

Konan sat back and smiled at her work. Yup. That sounded a lot like the Hidan and Kakuzu she knew, only she downplayed the attempted murder part by about 400%. She sweatdropped. It would be fine. It was pretty hot and different and they had a brief Kakashi appearance. She smiled and was about to pressed the upload button when a familiar voice came from her left.

"Hmm… Konan-senpai's a _bad_ girl to write that," the voice said.

Great. Just who Konan wanted to have read her story… **NOT!** This was bad. Obito may act like an idiot half of the time, but the other half of the time he was a sneaky, vindictive asshole who followed Deidara and her around like a lovesick puppy-dog.

"Tobi, why are you in my room," Konan asked, trying to remain calm.

"The question is, why are _you_ writing hardcore porn about Hidan and Kakuzu, _in_ said room," Obito said darkly and then perked up. "We should totally show Kaku-senpai!"

"Hell no," Konan said, leaping up and grabbing the front of Obito's black sweater. "Listen Obito, those idiots screwed up so I'm getting back at them! They ruined my story!" She sniffled and let go, rubbing her eyes.

Obito sighed and brushed off his sweater. "Yeah. Yeah, enough tears. I get it. They have it coming anyways."

Konan sat back in her chair and proofread her work.

Obito manifested a chair from somewhere and sat backwards in it, watching the screen. "You missed that one," he said, pointing out a misspelled 'dagger'.

Konan scanned it and replaced it with the correct spelling. "Oh thanks," she mumbled.

"So… what are you going to do after this? Turn the rest of Akatsuki into an online orgy-laughing stock," Obito asked, raising an eyebrow.

Konan nearly choked on air. It took a moment to catch her breath before she remarked, "That's a subtle way to put it."

Obito shrugged. Either way, you had to admit, Menma-verse Obito was a hell of a lot more fun than Naruto-verse Obito. A hell of a lot more fun than Nagato hands down too!

"Actually, I just wanted to get back at Hidan, Kakuzu, and Deidara the only way I knew how," Konan said blushing fervently.

Obito snorted. "You spent too much time around Jiraya-sensei." Of course, he knew Jiraya too. He was from Konoha and Jiraya was _his_ sensei's sensei. "I don't see anything about Deidara-senpai in here though…" he trailed off.

"Well, I'll type it when I think of it," Konan replied, editing the grammar of a rather peculiar sentence. "Besides, why do you call him 'senpai'? You were here before him _and_ you're almost twice his age."

Obito seemed lost in thought. "I'm not really sure, but I'll _tell ya when I think of it_."

"Smartass Uchiha," Konan muttered. "You won't tell anyone about this, will you," Konan asked softly.

Obito shook his head and chuckled. "No. It's much too interesting. Hell, I might even help you. You know I'm always following Deidara-senpai."

"Why even," Konan cried out incredulously. "I thought you were straight!"

Obito blushed. "I thought I was too… until the hot tub incident when I found out Deidara was a guy."

Konan snorted and covered her face with her hands trying to hold in the laughter. Who could forget _that_? Practically everyone was there, except Kakuzu whom stayed back to quadruple count their earnings, but the other eight members remembered.

"I'll see you later, Konan-senpai! Good luck on your _stories_," he teased.

Konan turned back to her laptop and pressed the 'UPLOAD' button. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, shut up and don't come in uninvited anymore!"

He shut the door and Konan smiled to herself. Konan on top indeed. She even had Tobi on her side.


	2. Chapter 2: Wake Up Senpai!

**Okay, it's me again. As a warning, this is the Menma-universe so don't freak out that the Akatsuki are all mercenaries, or that Minato and Kushina are alive, etc. Okay so to put things straight, this IS from Konan's perspective. I add whatever I want from gore, to profanity, and yaoi and everything in between and just so you know, my shippings are ObitoXKonanXPein and it's a love triangle, not a harem! The other is ItachiXDeidara which - spoiler - you'll see some of in THIS chapter. Things will progress and if you need to read the rest of the first chapter refer to my deviantart or if something happens you don't like either stop reading or wait for the next chapter. This is so far the longest.**

**My deviantart is .com **

**Attention! I do not own Naruto, Road to Ninja, or any of their characters, if I did i'd be Kishimoto and I'd give the Akatsuki their own mini-series where you actually get more insight into their backstories. Enjoy!**

* * *

Something wasn't right.

It was three in the morning and Konan was lying awake in her bed. She didn't know what this feeling was, but she had a feeling that karma was coming back to bite her in the ass. She groaned and covered up her head with her pale blue comforter, trying to shut out her miserable thoughts. Any moment, something was going to happen and it made her stomach churn with the thought. It wasn't going away any time soon so Konan got up out of the comforting sanctuary of her bed and slipped on her fuzzy orange kitten slippers and her pale blue, almost grey, robe. She turned back to her bed longingly and trudged to the door.

As soon as her hand was about to wrap around the handle, a familiar chakra appeared and the door slammed open, smacking the kunoichi in the face, knocking her to the floor. "Konan-senpai! I'm here to give you a mission," Obito Uchiha's voice rang out happily.

Konan lay limp on the floor, holding her sore face. Holding her tongue and her stoic composure might prove deadly for her right now. She wanted to throttle the Uchiha.

Obito stepped into the room and looked at the figure on the floor. He gave her a curious glance and squatted down to sit on his haunches. "Konan," he said prodding at her cheek, "why are you on the ground?"

Konan uncovered her face, revealing the red mark on her face where the door had hit her. She was so angry her chakra was ebbing out; making sheets of paper – which composed her body – flutter around wildly. "Why the _fuck_ do you think," she said with an edge to her tone.

Obito shrugged. "Maybe you were exercising?"

Who the hell exercises at three in the morning in pajamas, slippers, and a robe in front of their bedroom door? It was getting harder for Konan to keep her composure around the Uchiha. She knew it was an act, or at least _most_ of it was an act. It seemed to amuse him seeing the others react to his daft comments or idiotic behavior, but she had seen Obito when he was serious on several occasions and he was the _last_ opponent she'd ever want to face, well other than Pein, but still…

"No Tobi, you dull-minded idiot. You hit me with the door when you came in," Konan said darkly while looking up at the ceiling. She didn't want to see the man's expression which probably consisted of a huge careless smile. Her papers had withdrawn back to her being and she started to sit up.

Obito backed off a little but remained on his haunches. "You have a purple spot on your forehead; is it a type of sage mode?"

Okay, it was official, Konan was going to kill him but the dilemma remained: would she _survive_? The odds against her over-weighed the chances of defeating him; afterall, Obito was taught by Madara and had a Mangekyo Sharingan, oh and don't forget half of his body consisted of Senju cells implanted by Madara. She had personally watched 'Naruto' and remembered seeing her lifeless body sink into the water after the masked 'Tobi' killed her. It was both her favorite and least favorite episode. She had watched it repeatedly, but every time she did, she hated herself for it. It was hard watching yourself die, even if it was just a show; even if it was real in another universe. That battle was always on her mind and it made her hate the Uchiha even though he had done nothing wrong… except smack her in the face with a door.

Konan stood and Obito followed her up. "What did you come in my room for, Tobi? I told you to stay _out_," she said once she regained all of her composure.

Obito smiled like a kid in a candy store; his eyes seemed to sparkle even in the dim light and he was standing with one of his feet popped up. "We're going on a mission," he exclaimed.

'_Like hell we are_,' Konan thought politely smiling. "Does Pein know about this? I mean," she started and cleared her throat, "is it official?"

Obito nodded, "Yup. We're leaving in an hour!"

'_Not if I have anything to say about it_,' she thought. Konan was staring at the Uchiha frozen in place, dumbstricken. "What?" No. There was no way she was going anywhere with this demented lollipop.

Obito looked at her expectantly. "Aren't you going to get ready? Oh, and Deidara and Itachi are on the same mission with us."

Angry tick marks appeared on Konan's forehead. "And you said _Nagato_ arranged this," she said, her voice lined with anger. There had to be a reason for this. There was absolutely _no way_ Nagato had arranged this without being persuaded into it or being under a genjutsu.

Obito nodded. "Yup," he said happily. Then he became solemn and added, "You should really get ready," he gave her once over, "I don't think that attire is very _suitable_ for Iwagakure."

Oh Jashin! Even worse! _Iwagakure_, as in '_Iwagakure-where-Deidara-is-from-which-disowned-him -for-not-killing-Uchiha-Itachi-and-destroying-Kono ha'_? Worse than that, Deidara _and_ Itachi were with _her_ on this mission, making Konan a target for 'friendly fire' as well.

"**NAGATO**!" Konan stormed out of the room and down the hall; her wrath was apparent with her dark aura and halo of papers encircling her. _Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned_ and Konan was pissed. _Pissed_. Bad things were going to happen.

Unbeknownst to Konan – or anyone else for that matter – Obito Uchiha had peered out of the doorway and watched as the kunoichi stormed down the hall. A smirk spread across his face. "Phase one: complete." He returned to a sincere, giddy expression, "Now to tell Deidara-senpai and Itachi-senpai that I'm going with them!"

_~~ /-_-\\* Konan On Top /-_-\\* ~~_

So now Konan was standing before Pein's door. She was contemplating entering the room; it wasn't because she was scared of him, it was just that, was Obito going to keep his word and not say anything or was Nagato going to end it for her? She knew what this mission was _really_ for: getting dirt on Deidara so she could write a scandalous, likely _untrue_ but liberating story about him. Obito was screwed up like that. Everyone knew Deidara and Itachi were longtime rivals that waited in longing for a chance to kill each other. Why else would they be on the same mission together? Whatever she did, she couldn't let Pein find out about the stories.

Konan finished deliberating within herself and entered the room; of course it wasn't locked. Why would the leader of Akatsuki, _The Leader_, need to lock his door? Everyone was too scared of his punishments to dare pull a prank on him or cross him, period.

On a bed against the far wall, clutching a fuzzy brown teddy bear with button eyes, sucking his thumb, was Pein – or more correctly, Yahiko's body which was under Nagato's control thanks to his Rinnengan which was nicknamed Pein, along with the other five corpses, each being a different path of Pein. Even though Yahiko was a corpse now, he still looked in perfect condition, as if Hanzo never killed him during the war, even with the metal piercings throughout his body. He wasn't discolored or decaying; he was his perfect, handsome self with his orange hair just as mussed up as always. Konan missed the old Yahiko more than anything, even more than her family whom she barely knew before they died in the war. _He_ had been her family; Yahiko, Nagato, and Jiraya-sensei. It was the very reason Nagato had used Yahiko's body as his primary path: because he was their friend, their family, and because he was the tenth member of Akatsuki.

Konan walked over to the bed and reached her hand out to touch his cheek, to just barely caress it, just to believe it was the real Yahiko; the real Yahiko in his own body. She stopped herself. _'What the hell am I doing?'_ she thought. _'Yahiko is dead; he's not coming back.'_ She pulled back her hand.

Just then, purple eyes fluttered open and glared up at her, as if they knew she was there the entire time. "Konan," Pein's voice sounded – not Yahiko's, but Pein's, bring Konan back to reality.

"Huh," Konan said. Later she would probably facepalm over how stupid she sounded at that moment. How could she forget what she came here for? Obito. Iwagakure. Bombing idiot. Uchiha. Mission. Ring a bell?

"What are you doing in here," he asked.

"Tobi just told me that you're sending me on a mission with _him_, Deidara, and Itachi," Konan felt a little nervous under his purple gazed. It wasn't that she wasn't used to them, it was… something else. "Is that true? I, er-, had to ask – you know Tobi."

Pein blinked. "That is correct," he answered. He seemed so cool and nonchalant through this; you could almost forget he lay there with a teddy bear and his thumb in his mouth.

Konan cleared her throat. "Are you _sure_ you want to send me? I mean, don't you have some paperwork for me or something? _Anything_," she added at the end in desperation. Dear Jashin, Konan _hated_ paperwork, well, to fill it out – making origami swans and butterflies out of the old paperwork was fun – but even more than paperwork, she hated the thought of having to travel _all_ the way to the Earth country with two Uchihas and a psychotic pyromaniac - who would undoubtedly have a temper tantrum because he had to talk to his sensei again and see Kurotsuchi, which we thought he had an unrequited love for – to get a mission that they refused to brief us on until we got there to discuss '_business arrangements_'. This was going to be a long week. "Please?"

Pein rolled up his eyes as if he was off-handedly thinking about it and shrugged. It looked awkward because he was still lying on his side in bed with his left thumb in his mouth. "Well… Uchiha helped me finish the paperwork last night so I could catch up on my sleep; which you're disrupting," he finished glaring at me.

"Are you sure you don't need me to do the shopping?"

He blinked. "No. Kakuzu overlooks that. _'Anything to save a buck'_; I could care less."

Konan could imagine it now: Kakuzu and Hidan shopping.

**~xXXx~**

_Hidan was pushing around a shopping cart complaining as Kakuzu led him through aisles of cosmetics. The cart was already piled with seafood, sandpaper, a shiny new stapler (because Konan took out her paperwork anxieties on the last innocent stapler), origami paper, and milk (because shinobi need strong bones too)._

"_Why the fuck do we have to get so much Pein-damned nail polish and eyeliner? Is it part of a dress code I don't know about? I feel like a fag putting it in the cart."_

_Kakuzu scowled. "Idiot. You wear nail polish too, and you look like a fag anyways since you go everywhere shirtless like that."_

_Hidan looked at his nails in horror, examining the black polish. "Jashin no! Fucking damn it! I'm becoming one of 'them'!"_

**~xXXx~**

Konan held in snickers as she thought about it. "Is there anything you need me for here?"

Pein sighed and pulled his thumb out of his mouth. "For the last time Konan, no." He scoffed, "You need to get out more. You're getting _clingy_."

'_Clingy? Clingy! Me, clingy? I'm not clingy! I'm just looking out for you… while at the same time trying to get out of my own grave I dug when I let Tobi see my story.' _Konan blushed. At the same time that she was having a mental screaming fit in her head, her logic was telling her that Pein was right. She did need to get out more. She was becoming one of those shut-ins that stay at their computer all day drinking coffee and begging for paperwork. It wasn't healthy staying here all the time, but she had her reason: that face. That orange hair, the unaging face of the one she lost, seeing him immersed in his work just like Yahiko would do. Her blush turned bright red; it looked kind of purplish under her blue hair.

Pein raised an eyebrow. "Obito suggested you go with them as a last minute addition. He told me it would be good for you to get out; I couldn't agree more."

'_Obito! That scoundrel! That bastard! I'm going to kill him! No, I'm going to torture him and torment him until he's nothing but a stump of a man with no manly parts to speak of!'_

"So, just to be sure, _Tobi_ suggested me as a last minute addition _and _did all the paperwork so I'd _have_ to go on this mission, at 4am?"

"Yes. You need to do some fieldwork every once in a while Konan-kun," he said and rolled over with his teddy bear. "Now go away. I need as much rest as I can get to run this miserable organization."

Konan nodded, secretly plotting Obito Uchiha's murder in her head. She turned and got to the door before Pein spoke up.

"Speak nothing of . I would be distraught with the loss of an old comrade and friend."

Konan nodded and left, closing the door silently behind her. _'You and have a nice sleep, traitor. I have an Uchiha to murder!'_ Her day was already going _great_.

It was time for her to return to her room and get ready for this mission. Ugh. _Mornings_. Hell, it wasn't even morning yet! It was 3:15am and she had to get ready to go to the rocky wasteland of a country, Tsuchi no Kuni. '_I'm going to get that Uchiha jerk,' _Konan thought darkly.

**~xXXx~**

Konan had gone to her room, fixed her hair, showered, cleaned up, and got dressed in record time: 30 minutes. She wasn't sure how it was possible, but she looked ready for the mission. She folded a sheet of pale blue paper and pinned it to her deep blue hair and smiled at her reflection. She was still thinking about the mission.

Sure this mission was going to help her get back at Deidara – she had a long list of things she wanted to settle with him – but now she hated Obito even more. He was cruel in the worst way and acted like an idiot just to make things more amusing. Was everyone in the Akatsuki a sadistic maniac?

Obviously yes.

Konan was just about to leave her room when she took a last longing glance at her laptop sitting all alone on her desk. Should she leave it? Do you _really_ think the Akatsuki's only writer was going to leave her laptop to fend for itself rather than take it with her while the other members of Akatsuki were running around wrecking the hideout? Do you really need to answer that? She sent a paper flying towards it like a shuriken and made some quick hand signs. The laptop disappeared with a poof and the paper flew back gracefully into Konan's fingers; the summoning symbols were all over the piece of paper now that she had made those signs. She slid it into her origami flower on her head and left the room, taking great care to lock the door. She really didn't need to pack, Obito usually kept everything stored in another dimension using his Kamui. It was still strange to think about, but in the Akatsuki, you had to travel light or die.

**~xXXx~**

Sure enough, she found the three members waiting for her, although she wondered why she even bothered to take such a quick shower; Deidara wasn't even close to ready. She sighed and sat down at the kitchen table next to a groggy, blond fur ball who was slowly chewing a spoonful of cereal. His messy hair and outfit was a sure sign he had only just gotten out of bed; all he wore was a grey t-shirt and red plaid boxer shorts. Itachi was standing by the counter, watching with indifference. His face showed his normal lack of sleep but he was perfectly in uniform, only some of his hair was sticking up and frizzy; once he was fully awake he'd take care of it immediately and look just as perfect as always with no one the wiser as to his previous condition. Then, at the front of the table, away from everyone else, Tobi sat with his stupid orange mask covering his - beyond doubt - smug grin. He was watching them contently, even after Konan gave him a deadly glare. Tobi just giggled. He was lounging back in his chair with his hands behind his head and his boots crossed over the table.

Konan wished he'd take off that mask so she could knock the grin off his face. She hated that stupid mask. Most of all she hated not being able to see her disliked comrade's face. However, she knew what his face looked like. She had known for a while. After Tobi and Nagato started to become acquainted, the Uchiha had seen her crying over Yahiko's loss. The Uchiha had actually sat down and talked to her. It was a strange conversation and during which, he had removed his own mask for a moment to dry a stray tear of his own and she had caught a glimpse of his elusive face. It became strange afterwards though. He had started avoiding her and only recently – a few months ago – he had begun hanging around her again and removing his mask in her presence, seeing as how he no longer had to hide his true identity: _Obito Uchiha_.

"I hate this, un," Deidara said, his head thudded heavily against the table, repeatedly.

"Hn."

"You're telling me," Konan said coldly, glaring at Tobi.

Tobi just waved happily.

Konan, Itachi, and Deidara each glared at him venomously. If looks could kill, he'd be dead tenfold, no, one-thousandfold in the most torturous, artistic, and painful ways.

Deidara jumped up onto the table and flung himself at Tobi. The masked man's arms flailed wildly as the terrorist hit the Uchiha and knocked them onto the floor. Strangely enough – but not so strange with Akatsuki's cast of misfits - Tobi started laughing; Deidara rebuttled by throttling him and then by attempting to rip off his mask to shove clay down his throat. "I'll kill you Tobi! I'll kill you, you Sharingan-ed freak, un!"

Tobi grasped Deidara's wrists tight and squeezed. The Iwa-nin looked pained and dropped his clay, but didn't make a sound. "Don't. Touch. My. Mask," he annunciated and let go of the younger ninja's wrist.

Deidara snatched his hand back and rubbed his sore wrist. "Bastard," he grumbled finally. He looked about ready to launch himself back at Tobi - whom had mysteriously gotten out from under Deidara - who was now standing to look at them all.

"Deidara, no," Itachi said with no particular tone.

The blond turned to look at Itachi who was glaring right back at him, the black tear drops swirling in his crimson eyes. "Why the hell not, un?"

"I will give you 72 hours of watching Orochimaru striptease dressed as a sexy nurse."

Everyone in the room froze and looked at Itachi in sickened horror. Tobi looked white with fear (though how is quite a mystery); Konan felt sick and vomited in her mouth a little; but Deidara's face was priceless: his eyes were wide in horror; his face was bright red as if he had a bad sunburn on his tanned skin; and his mouth was curled into a disgusted snarled (his palm-mouths were actually hissing and making vomiting motions which was strangely hypnotic). He looked like he was about to explode in rage, nonetheless…

Three… Two… One… And…

"THAT'S FUCKING GROSS, UN! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH THIS, UN! DO YOU TAKE _PLEASURE_ IN THINKING THAT KIND OF THING UCHIHA, UN?! FREAK! UN! SICKO! UN! YOU'RE MORE OF A HENTAI THAN SNAKE-HENTAI, UN! OR TOAD-HENTAI, UN! YOU'RE ITACHI-HENTAI TEME, UN!" He paused for a moment and then with the redness of his engaged face turning back to its normal golden tan he added, "You're weirder than Tobi, un. Where the hell did you see Orochimaru strip dance anyways, un?" Blue eyes narrowed into barely visible slits.

"Hn."

"If he were to say, why would he tell an immature brat like you," a familiar just as cold and indifferent voice cut in.

Great, another psycho to add to the mix; the epitome of lonely and the member nominated 'the most likely to store bodies in his grandmother's basement': Sasori. Sasori had come to see what the commotion was about when Deidara mentioned his nickname for his previous partner, Orochimaru. If the two weren't shinobi, I swear they'd both be psychotic doctors who experiment and dismember their victims in some sort of horror movie. Hell, Orochimaru was the subject of many children's nightmares already and full-grown shinobi.

"Hurry up and leave already. We need to throw Deidara's going away party." He stated indifferently as Deidara eyes began to light up in glee, "I don't like to be kept waiting."

"You're throwing me a party, Danna," Deidara asked with his eyes sparkling like 'Twilight' vampires.

"Yes," he sighed, "but only because we hate your guts." He paused, "Along with the rest of you, brat."

Deidara turned back to Itachi who had activated his Mangekyo and was glaring at the blond. Deidara shuddered with rage and got up to stomp down the hall to his room.

"You heard where we were going, Sasori-senpai," Tobi asked sweetly.

Sasori nodded boredly. "Yes. Let's hope he gets himself killed. I'm sick of the brat already."

'_Damn it! I want to be at the '_Going Away_' party! Damn it, Obito! You really suck,'_ Konan thought to herself. "Wouldn't you miss having a partner," Konan asked softly, knowing how lonely Sasori really was.

The puppet master shrugged. "I'm a puppet. I feel nothing. If he dies, bring him back anyways; he'd make a great edition to my collection. I may get the brat to finally understand 'art'," Sasori said before he turned and stalked off. Aww, he'll definitely miss Deidara – or at least his body.

It wasn't long before the pyromaniac blond was back in his Akatsuki uniform. His hair was straightened and tied into his half ponytail; his clay pouch was strapped to his thigh; his eyeliner was framing his azure eyes and his cloak was wrapped around his body; his usual smirk in its place. "Shall we go, un? I want to see what those artless fools think of me now!"

"Probably not much, considering you aren't dead and you have the _active_ Iwagakure kinjutsu on your body," Itachi said, shooting Deidara's ego to flames.

_Burn!_

"No one asked _you_ Uchiha, un!"

"Ugh. Why me," Konan muttered to herself.

Tobi turned to her and chuckled. Konan looked at him wearily, realizing Itachi and Deidara had already left to go to the surface; Itachi silently ignoring Deidara's multiple threats. (That was Obito's way of showing how proud he was that he was single-handedly making her life miserable.)

"Look at it this way, Konan-senpai," he said softly with his voice slightly distorted by the mask, "You'll be able to learn more about Deidara so you can write about him next."

One of the corners of Konan's mouth perked up. _'Asshole. I'm going to write about you too!'_

"Shall we go, _un_," Obito said mimicking Deidara. He was using his serious voice again. "I wanna see Itachi tear down the _'_artless fool's_'_ ego."

"You need some work," Konan said, brushing past him, "Deidara yells practically everything. All you did was 'uhn'." She gracefully made her way up top.

Tobi watched her closely and shrugged, following her up the pathway.

'_Soon… I'll have Deidara taken care of but what about Obito? He can do whatever he wants to me thanks to my story.' _Konan puffed hot air out to ruffle her blue hair. _'I'll think of something; maybe something with Deidara and Obito?' _She smiled to herself, _'That would work. If I recall, he _did_ say he was a '_school girl in love with his senpai'.' Oh yes, Konan was going to be back on top.

Obito must've caught something because he struck up a distasteful conversation. "Hey Konan-senpai?"

"What Tobi?"

"Remember when I saw your story?"

Konan narrowed her eyes and was silent for a few moments and without turning around answered, "Yes."

"If you write about me in a story like that, Kakuzu and Hidan are going to come across your last piece, _by chance_."

'_By chance my lily-white ass!' _Konan thought. She felt a cold tingle run up her spine. Konan was _not_ on top.

"Is there… something you want," Konan asked coldly with an edge to her voice.

"Not right now," Obito replied. "Or at least, not that I want _you_ to know, yet."

Well this was going to be confusing. He was definitely blackmailing Konan now, but for what? He wasn't getting anything out of this except control over her. Is that what he wanted? She pondered the answer over and over, but no avail. She would know soon enough, damn Uchiha's and their riddles.

**~xXXx~**

On the surface Deidara had created a giant clay bird and the three of them – Deidara, Itachi, and Konan had hopped on.

"Tobi, get your ass up here, un," Deidara shouted, "Or I'm leaving your ass here!" He had already gotten the bird off the ground.

The masked man had to have smiled because a childlike giggle came from him. "I'll be fine senpai. I'll meet you there!" He clapped his hands a few times and disappeared into the vortex of his Kamui.

Deidara and Konan sweatdropped. "I bet he'll get lost, un." Konan shook her head but Deidara must not have noticed because he had already made the bird start off towards his home country.

Konan sifted through her thoughts. She didn't think he'd get lost, but she was curious as to what he'd do away from the group, afterall, he _arranged_ this mission.

"Hn."

"What the hell does that mean, un," Deidara snapped at Itachi whom sat calmly behind him during the flight. It seemed the entire trip went the same way: Deidara trying to start a fight with Itachi; Itachi either ignoring Deidara or saying his non-descriptive 'hn' knowing the exact one to use to give the full effect; Deidara getting pissed and trying to start a fight, again. While in the meantime, Konan was stuck hearing it while Obito did Jashin knows what, Pein-god knows where. _'Fuck my life.'_

On the other hand, it was strange; Itachi and Deidara's relationship. The pair had known each other for a long time, well, at least in this world. They hated each other but they were close. Occasionally, Deidara even called the Uchiha '_Itachi no Danna_'. Konan didn't think she'd even hear something like that, but she had overheard one of their conversations before during a training session – where Deidara lost and raged in his defeat, again. (Heh. All Deidara ever did was lose to the Uchiha.) Itachi would give the Iwa-nin pointers and teach him different 'Katon no jutsu'. There was also a rumor that Itachi had _begged_ Nagato to take Deidara in as Orochimaru's replacement, but _Itachi_? _Begging_? That was the most ridiculous lie Konan had ever heard, but still it drove her nuts! She knew next to nothing about their history whereas she knew just about everything about the other six members.

She watched the pair in interest.

"Why is all you say 'hn', un," Deidara snarled.

"…"

"Why do you end every other sentence with 'un'," Konan asked to butt in, mainly because she wanted to know more about the blond but also just to see what it felt like to piss him off.

Deidara glared daggers at her and Itachi smirked, ever so slightly. If you didn't know him like the rest of Akatsuki did, you would never have noticed it.

"I do not, un!"

"Right," Konan said sarcastically, turning her head away so the blond wouldn't see her rolling her eyes. She was glancing between Deidara and Itachi suspiciously. Maybe Obito or Sasori knew something about it? No; there was no way. Itachi was too secretive to let anyone know and Deidara was too blunt and loudmouthed to keep a secret, making it impossible for the pair to have a secret between them. But still, how was it that Konan didn't know their story? She was Leader's right hand man – er, woman – how could she not know? He knew practically everything! He was a god!

The rest of the trip seemed to continue that way – Deidara whining, Itachi discreetly pissing him off, and Konan staying in her own thoughts - until they got outside of Iwagakure. Deidara and Itachi leapt off the bird; Konan followed, knowing that Deidara was likely going to blow the thing out of the sky. Why not? He _was _Deidara, the pyromaniac bomber whom claimed to be an artist.

**BOOM!**

She really needed to get out more, or not. Definitely _not_ with Deidara.

Deidara was snickering at his 'art'. "Art… is a bang!"

"We need to head to the village; Tobi-san is already there," Itachi said with a stone gaze before turning his back and walking ahead of them. He acted as if nothing had happened. Is this guy psychic?

Deidara scowled and then frowned and became expressionless, following the Uchiha. Konan may have been in deep thought, but she noticed.

This left Konan far behind to wander through her thoughts as they walked through the chilly badlands toward the city; no one had in the Akatsuki had _ever_ seen that somber, expressionless Uchiha-guise on Deidara and he definitely would never want to be like an Uchiha, in _any_ way. How strange.

As the trio approached the city limits, a shinobi with the standard red uniform glared at them, "Hey you! Stop right there!" Immediately they were surrounded.

"What a warm welcome Awasaki, un," Deidara said darkly, with a gaze that would send puppies away in fear.

_Still not as scary as Leader. _

The man grimaced in disgust. "_You?_ What are you doing here, _Deidara_?"

Deidara's hand began to stray to his clay pouch.

A shinobi behind the blond pressed a kunai to his spine. "Don't even think about it," he hissed.

Itachi spoke up for the group, his cool, calm demeanor breaking the tension, "We should be expected by Lord Tsuchikage; do not hinder us." His Mangekyo Sharingan was blazing at the man, the black blades spinning slowly, progressing into a steady pace. Most of the shinobi backed down and show absolute fear of the technique.

The man begrudgingly stepped aside and the Iwa-nins surrounding them disappeared or hung back to follow them. They seemed to be following quite unwillingly and stayed nearly leagues away. Awasaki swore under his breath and led the trio through the city to the Tsuchikage's building.

The young man seemed to really dislike Deidara, and Deidara obviously felt the same considering he wanted to blow the ninja to pieces a few minutes ago until he was held at knife point. The young man looked roughly about Deidara's and Itachi's age – late teens to early twenties – and seemed to have a permanent scowl on his face. His black hair was messy and short and his eyes were sharp and narrow; brown and almond-shaped. He had a golden tan - much like Deidara did - but was maybe 5'10, compared to the miserably short Deidara's 5'4. Maybe they were related? Probably not with that bulbous nose.

Konan took a glance around the city. Iwagakure had a poor economy but that didn't stop the countless merchants setting up their carts and pedaling their wares, calling out their merchandise to attract customers. They passed by a stall with a stack of paperbacks. One read 'Advanced Origami and Traditional Paper-Folding'; Konan was definitely going to come back later to check it out, but for now, she had a mission to attend to.

At some point, they had finally reached the center of the village. A large symbol for 'earth' was painted on the top of the building. "Hmph. Well, this is it," Awasaki said arrogantly, glaring at Deidara, as if Itachi and Konan were both invisible. "We'll be watching you, traitor."

Deidara scoffed. "Like you could do anything to me anyways, un," he retorted under his breath.

Itachi cleared his throat and put some distance between him and the others. Konan and Deidara followed him up, shortly after, into the Tsuchikage's office. When they opened the door, they found the short, wrinkled old man was locked in a conversation with an orange masked man.

"What took you so long, senpais," Tobi asked giggling.

Deidara was holding himself back from throttling him in front of his sensei and Konan had angry tick marks on her forehead, regardless of her expressionless visage. Itachi on the other hand didn't show any visible sign of even caring. If he was pissed or annoyed or even happy (by some off-chance) he was hiding it. Damn those Uchihas and their ability to be so _perfect_ and _statue-like_.

"As I was briefing your superior," the Tsuchikage said, glaring directly at Itachi, "you are going to retrieve a dangerous S-rank criminal living in the northern parts of 'Tsuchi no Kuni'. It's vital that you bring them back _alive_, annihilate their gang, and destroy their headquarters."

"That's easy," Deidara said, trying to push Itachi and Konan aside excitedly. Itachi didn't budge but Konan stumbled sideways so he took her place, squeezeing between them. "I can take 'em out, un! Let's go!" He said, looking determined and grabbing Konan's sleeve to drag her out the door with him.

"You idiot! You're just the same pyromaniac-brat as always," the Tsuchikage burst out, and standing up and slamming his hands on the desk.

Deidara just stood there and scowled, avoiding his gaze. "It's called art, you wrinkled fool, un", he grumbled.

"Is there any other information we need Lord Oonoki," Konan asked carefully and helpfully. She pulled a paper fan out of her sleeve and opened it, slicing a small papercut into the back of the blond's hand, making him swear and put the wound to his mouth.

The Tsuchikage calmed down and sat down, not before scoffing at his ex-apprentice. He nodded to his guard who left the room and shut the door behind him; he then proceeded to make the handsigns to make sure no one could eavesdrop. "Yes. You see, the person I need you to pursue has important information about our country and has stolen one of our sacred scrolls."

"Like my kinjutsu, un?"

"Yes, now shut up. I'm telling you classified information!" The Tsuchikage cleared his throat, "Now, where was I? Ah yes; we have some intel on them from a shady source."

"What kind of intel," Obito asked. His voice was back to being serious and _cool_ again. '_What? No! No! Bad mind! Bad writer! Tobi was __**not**__ cool!'_

"We think he may be selling information to ROOT, which is why I brought you in," the old man finished.

"So you selected Deidara and I for that reason; to not violate the peace treaty between Iwa and Konoha, while keeping the relationship between the two countries neutral during this mission," Itachi said.

The old man nodded.

"Why is he selling your stuff to Danzo, un? I thought he was just out to kill all Uchihas; like I am. Besides, you shit can't be that good, un," Deidara said. (That's our Deidara; always the one to be blunt. Idiot.)

'_I have to be the only one that watches '_Naruto_'_,' Konan thought. She sighed. "That's just a stepping stone, but he failed obviously", she said gesturing Itachi who ignored her. "He wants to take over the world and have limitless power, since he can no longer become Hokage, being a missing-nin. That way he can finally surpass Sarutobi."

A dark ominous silence loomed over the room. "Anything else we need to know, Lord Tsuchikage," Obito-Tobi asked.

"It is believed that the criminal has used the forbidden jutsu on themself and has gained a kekkai genkai to manipulate mercury."

'_Great. We have to blow up a hideout, massacre at least 50 people, and take out a Suiginton user, but bring him back alive._' This was definitely _not_ Konan's idea of fun. A liquid metal user was bad enough, but now a _toxic, liquid _metal user? _'Fuck my life,' _Konan thought.

"What's this guy's name, un? I'll get him! I'll show him the true form of my art, un! My kinjutsu is superior to his," Deidara ranted loudly, taking his bleeding finger from his mouth.

The Tsuchikage seemed annoyed and grumbled a name.

"Tobi didn't get that," Tobi said.

He grumbled a little louder.

"Hn?"

"His name is Tako Taco," he muttered.

"Tako-what, un," Deidara asked.

"Tako Taco," the old man repeated, glaring at his ex-student in utter annoyance.

"Octopus-Octopus, un? What a lame name."

Everyone sweatdropped but that idiot Deidara and the Tsuchikage.

"YOU FUCKING MORON! GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!"

"What the hell's a _taco_, un," Deidara asked. "Either way… I GET TO BLOW THIS DOUCHEBAG'S HIDEOUT TO HELL!" Deidara laughed maniacally and ran out the door. An explosion sounded down the hall.

Obito facepalmed. "We'll finish the mission and pay for the damages." Then Tobi switched to be less serious and turned all giddy and happy, "Tobi wants to help! Tobi is a good boy!" The masked man followed the blond down the hall. Konan thought she heard him tumble down the stairs painfully. Itachi ignored it. More weakly he cried, "Tobi… is… a good boy!" It was distanced and pained, it was somewhat like an echo. So much for having the true form of Izanagi.

"Hn," the younger, yet more mature Uchiha said before walking off.

The Tsuchikage glared at Konan. "Deidara sure picked a group of friends that fit his lunacy. You seem to be the only normal one."

Konan was kind of flattered by that. _'Me? Normal? Come on, I have a sadistic inner voice and I like to interrogate people for information in the most inhumane ways. Normal? Hardly.'_ Konan just smiled warmly, "I suppose so."

_Necrophilia!_

"You should watch out for that one," the old man said. "He's too eager to go into battle; he'll take anyone in his way down with him. Friend or foe; just like his mother."

That peeked Konan's interest. No one knew practically anything about Deidara's past. This little peek was more than she would have ever hoped for. "What happened to her?"

He shook his head and turned his attention back to his paperwork that nearly blocked her view. "It's best not to say; just don't let that idiot destroy my village will ya? I got tired of his antics years ago; even as an Explosion Corp. captain."

Konan nodded and knowing she wasn't going to get any further details, she left to follow after her team. This mission was going to be very interesting, and by interesting I mean likely inspiring feelings of hostility within Konan while inspiring laughter from each of you readers and psychotic maniacal laughter from her three male Akatsuki companions - or non-descriptive 'hn's' in Itachi's case.

Outside, the sun was dying the clouds in shades of pinks, oranges, and gold painting the sky before fading into night. It was beautiful, but this was just going to make it harder to leave. Tobi and Deidara would undoubtedly begin complaining about the cold and say they were hungry and want to stay the night in the village (Deidara might not be that insistent to stay because he hated his home and vice versa so much, so he was an iffy). Itachi would just watch them make fools of themselves – waiting to finish the mission - and Konan would threaten them only to be mocked to no avail. She sighed and stalked off in search of the book stall she saw earlier. Maybe they were still there and just now about to leave? She might get the book cheaper.

Just as Konan had suspected, the stall owner was getting ready to leave so Konan talked the middle aged man into staying a little longer so she could buy the book. It was still there so she picked it and flipped through the pages, when from the corner of her eye, she spotted a magazine in the same stall. The man didn't like her looking through the book like he owned a library so Konan promptly paid for the book and with it under her arm, wandered over to the magazines. An article caught her eye: 'The True Lives of the _Real _Akatsuki'. Konan snorted and skimmed through the pages, reading the mocking articles and rumors.

The man rolled his eyes. He had noticed the red clouds on her black cloak before. "You can have that one for free."

"Huh?" Konan dug in her pocket, "No. No need. I'll pay for it," she said bringing out a few crumpled bills.

The stall owner chuckled and began putting up the last of his books for the night. "Well, I've been carrying around that origami book for years now. I never actually thought I'd get rid of it, so you can have that as a gift."

Konan smiled and nodded in a shallow appreciative, yet respectful bow. "Thank you."

The man nodded in return and finished closing up his stall.

Konan began walking down the street as the nightlife began to swell out into the roads. The city was bustling with life and chatter as she continued to expertly read the magazine. She used her chakra to scan the area and avoid the people around her easily. That's when she saw it.

Konan's face lit up as red as a ripe tomato and she let out a high girly scream of terror. She pressed her face into the magazine to get a double-take. Some people on the street stopped to look at her funny before shaking their head and passing her by. She confirmed it. She couldn't believe it! After all these years, she finally got published, only she had hoped that _this_ would never happen.

She read closer, scanning each line. Yup, there was no doubt this was her story about Kakuzu and Hidan. There was a feeling of dread seepng through her as she imagined the Zombie Combo coming across the article. A knot formed in her stomach and the air felt colder. She skimmed through it until she got to the end, a part which she did not write; this part she read carefully.

**Dear Writer,**

**Your piece has made an excellent addition to our magazine and we thank you for contributing it. This was one of the best stories we've ever received; it's as though you know the characters.**

'_No shit, Sherlock.'_

**Your piece is therefore awarded a monthly block in our magazine, if you accept; however since you continue to remain **_**anonymous**_** we can only hold the position for so long before closing it. We hope to see more of your stories in our magazine soon.**

**Hatari Yukiko**

**Editor of "Akatsuki Fangirl Magazine"**

It was almost tempting, no. It _was_ tempting. So very, very tempting. Konan had always wanted her work published, but now she was conflicted seeing as her most popular piece was an S and M yaoi story. She shuddered. She also had a feeling a certain one-eyed man had something to do with it too. Ugh. That damn Uchiha! Great, now she was starting to sound like Deidara.

Putting her story in that magazine would be great for her career as a professional writer, but what about her friends and co-workers? What about Leader and the rest of the Akatsuki? This would be a good way to rise from being an unimportant side character which was rarely seen through the series and had only one memorable battle, in which she had died. Yes, she would do it!

Crap! It wouldn't be very long before she'd have to have next week's done, which meant she'd have to start writing it during her mission and hope to Pein or Jashin or whatever god there was that Deidara didn't kill her in the process by being the reckless idiot he obviously is. She rolled up the magazine and stuffed it into her robe. Well, she had her fun; time to look for the boys.

Konan walked through the streets as the food stalls started to come alive. The night life liven the streets and there was chatter all around. She carefully navigated the throngs of people; both civilian and shinobi alive. You'd think with as poor of an economy as they had that there wouldn't be so many people going out; you'd be dead wrong.

Each street looked about the same and every turn made Konan realize that she was getting further and further away from where she had last seen the guys. She didn't recognize anything. Her pace sped up. She was sure she'd be able to find something, - _something,_ anything, - that looked familiar. She ended up more lost. The streets became darker and less people flowed through them, but at least she didn't have to deal with possible pickpockets anymore.

At some point a few guys began following her. They began flirting with her and calling her pet names. Konan ignored them.

"Hey baby," said the one that was obviously the leader, "If you're lost I can take you somewhere. We can go back to my place and see where it leads." In unison the other males cheered him on and purred in amusement. Did that even _qualify_ as a pick-up line?

Konan turned around and eyed the one that spoke and scanned him down. He was in the standard Iwagakure-shinobi uniform. He wore black shades but they were lower on his nose so she could see his purple eyes. His hair was short and close cropped but with spiky bangs covering his forehead over his hitai-ae. He had a cigarette in his mouth and looked like he was in his mid-twenties. She met his eyes coldly. "You must be lost yourself," she responded.

He looked confused. "Why's that?"

"Because your sunglasses must have congested your vision; that or you're just an asshole," Konan said turning and stalking off.

The shinobi looked dumbstruck and the others looked even more shocked. He came back to himself and shouted at Konan, "You bitch! Get back here! I ain't through with you!" Konan knew he was starting to make handsigns to attack her with a jutsu when a voice broke through and silenced all the boys' jeering.

"Touch her and I'll kill you all," a female voice said. It sounded familiar to Konan but she couldn't place it. Whoever it was didn't have any ties to the Akatsuki as far as she knew.

Konan took her eyes off of the street and turned to the young men cowering in fear. They were all looking up at a building were a dark figure stood glaring down at them.

"Tayuya," the leader snarled and stepped forward. "What the hell are you doing here? I'm busy!"

The girl leapt down gracefully with an ivory flute in her hand. Her salmon hair was tossled around her shoulders, unbound. She wore a bright red kimono with gold and orange flowers and sandals on her feet. She looked absolutely gorgeous. Tayuya brushed her bangs out of her eyes. "Fuck off; I was headed to see a friend. If I have to kick your asses and get my outfit dirty, I won't even bother sparing you assholes," she said bluntly.

The crew backed up and ran off as fast as they could. The leader looked around to see they were gone and growled at Tayuya. "I'll get you for this!"

Tayuya turned away and looked at Konan, "Yeah yeah. Whatever. Get going asshat."

The leader stumbled and ran off after his gang.

"Hmph," Tayuya sounded, smiling triumphantly. Then her smile faded as she scanned Konan with narrowing dark grey eyes. "You're a girl."

Konan raised an eyebrow. "Yes."

Tayuya scoffed. "Are you one of Deidara's friends?"

She obviously recognized the Akatsuki uniform. "No," Konan said bluntly. "He's an idiot."

Tayuya smiled and laughed. Her eyes weren't narrowed anymore and she seemed a lot more cheerful. She was _nothing_ like Naruto-verse Tayuya. "Yeah, but he's my idiot," she said.

Konan was confused and at the same time interested. She was pretty sure Deidara wasn't dating anyone so she just politely turned up a corner of her mouth in somewhat of a smile. She was going to learn more about one of the three most vaguely known Akatsuki members – other than Kakuzu and Hidan.

Tayuya turned and started to walk off in the direction that the gang of juvenile young men ran off in. "You're coming, aren't you? I know you're lost."

Konan hurried up and walked beside her. The pair were silent as Tayuya led the way down the streets and back into the light where they began to encounter more and more crowds. Konan kept looking at the younger girl next to her, feeling as if she should say something, but knowing she couldn't. She could've handled them all on her own! Konan noticed that the girl was around Itachi and Deidara's age and had some make-up on her face to bring out her lips and eyelashes. However, she spoke first.

"So what exactly are you guys doing in Iwa?"

Konan seemed surprised by her friendliness. Yeah, she was _nothing_ like the real Tayuya because as you know, Tayuya would never have rescued her; in the Naruto-verse.

What was Konan going to say? Their job was top secret; classified, but probably wasn't very secret anymore. Konan imagined Tobi going around screaming.

**~xXXx~**

_An orange masked man ran down the street. His arms flailed and he seemed to be half skipping with an angry blond chasing after him, screaming._

"_Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy Tobi is a good boy!"_

"_No he isn't, un! I'll blast your ass into the next hell, un!"_

_People turned to watch as the blond threw clay and tiny fireballs at the running, dodging, childish masked man._

_Tobi stopped and turned around. He made a motion like he was covering his mouth and gasping. Deidara stopped and raised an eyebrow._

"_What,un? What is it?"_

"_Deidara-senpai is a bad boy! Deidara-senpai is kinky!" The masked an chuckled._

_Deidara looked even angrier (or embarrassed). "WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THAT IDEA,UN?!"_

_Tobi tilted his head. "Hidan-senpai told Tobi that Deidara-senpai is a pirate. He's in it for the booty."_

_Deidara thought for a minute, "What the hell does that have to do with me being…," he caught on. His face twisted into a nasty scowl. "__**Tobi. I'm – going – to – kill – you**__," he said darkly._

_Tobi quickly skipped away giggling. "Butt-pirate! Butt-pirate! Tobi is a good boy!"_

_Fireballs eventually burned down the whole village and Deidara and Tobi were the cause. Pein got pissed and showed them both true pain and the mission failed as Konan got kidnapped by a hideous thug, shown to be laughing maniacally._

_The End_

**~xXXx~**

Konan's face had twisted in horror, been then she quickly returned it to her stoic calm visage. "We received a job; and I hope our two idiots don't ruin it," she shuddered.

Tayuya eyed her. "What happens if they do," he asked curiously.

"Pein will torture them so they won't do it again, but they forget about it after so long. It's surprising really," Konan added, "because he can torture Hidan and _get results_. No one knows how though."

Tayuya's eyes widened in shock and there was an awkward silence as she stopped. Her jaw had dropped somewhere around floor level. "KYAAAA! How could you do a thing like that to my Deida-chan?"

Konan rolled her eyes. _No one_ watched 'Naruto' but her and apparently no one knew the Akatsuki very well either. Hey, just because they were 'neutral' didn't mean their leader didn't use crude methods.

Tayuya shook off the shock pretty quick. "So," she began and struggled with putting her words together. Konan could practically hear the gears turning. "Do you know anything about Itachi-san?"

That was a shock; no not really. Lots of women threw themselves at the Uchiha, but he seemed to ignore them all and coldly reject the more persistent ones. Yeah, he's had a few stalkers but none since the last one that tried to cut off a lock of his Itachi's hair. Konan shuddered. That is all you need to know.

"Yes," Konan answered simply.

Tayuya hung her head with guilt and then her expression turned to a bit of hidden rage.

That was a strange reaction. "What do you want to know," Konan asked.

Tayuya lifted her head. "Oh, not much," she chuckled nervously. "Deidara has told me a lot abot him and Sasori. Actually, I only know about those two in Akatsuki. What's your name," Tayuya asked turning to Konan.

"Konan."

Tayuya smiled, but it wasn't genuine. "I guess you heard; I'm Tayuya."

Konan nodded and grinned just as fakely.

Tayuya looked towards a restaurant stall where there was even more chatter and a growing crowd. Akatsuki: found. As a rule; Akatsuki attracted crowds.

"We're here," Tayuya announced and started sprinting towards the stall through the crowds in the way. Konan steered through at her own pace.

In the center of the crowd, filling two seats at the stall were a blond and a creeper with an orange mask. Both were eating like there was no tomorrow.

"Deidara," Tayuya called and ran up behind him, wrapping her arms around him in a rear hug.

He swallowed something and started gagging, clawing for air. Tayuya let go in horror.

Tobi shrieked like a girl, "Oh nos! Senpai is choking! What does Tobi do? What does Tobi do!"

Deidara was still gagging and turning as blue as Kisame; his eyes started to bug out too.

A dark-haired girl manifested and hit Deidara's back hard and he coughed out a dango stick before falling to the ground behind his seat on his hands and knees coughing and gasping for air. The stick had ended up piercing the wall close to the shopkeeper's head who glared in disapproval. He looked like a battle-scarred grizzly bear and twice as scary.

"Kurotsuchi-san," Tayuya said staring in awe at the dark-haired girl. Jealousy came across her face.

The dark-haired girl glared daggers at Tayuya and Deidara lowered his head trying to ignore them. Konan thought she heard a groan from him and some choice swear word. "Tayuya," she said regarding the salmon-haired girl.

The dark-haired girl was over a head taller than the tiny shinobi. She wore a black yukata with designs that looked more like warm colored fireworks. Her short hair was down and the wrap around her waist was bright red. "What the hell are _you_ doing here," she steamed, obviously trying to keep from bursting into a fit of rage.

Tayuya looked bashful, "I wanted to see Deida-chan."

Kurotsuchi snorted. "How many times have I told you? He's _mine_."

"Nuh uh! He's mine," Tayuya squeaked.

'_Is this the Deidara fan club? If so I'm in the wrong place,' _Konan thought. She watched as Deidara skillfully slipped away telling the shopkeeper that someone else was taking care of his bill before making some signs and using '**Doton: Moguragakure no Jutsu**' to escape into the earth. '_Are these girls really that oblivious or just dumb,_' Konan thought once more.

Judging from the high stack of plates and bowls that sat in the place the blond once occupied, whoever did pay the bill was not going to be happy and would have a nice big hole burned into their wallet.

"Mine!"

"He's mine!"

"Um, he just left," Konan tried to interject but was completely ignored.

"He's _mine_!"

"He's my Deidara-kun!"

"He's _my_ Deidara-senpai you greasy bitch!"

"You're not even old enough to go out with him, Kurotsuchi," Tayuya shot back.

Kurotsuchi snarled. It was obvious in this world their personalities switched places. "Bring it, puke-haired bitch!"

The shopkeeper cleared his throat loudly enough to finally get the girls to stop arguing and pay attention. They both looked at the empty seat in confusion. "Who's paying the bill?"

They looked around in confusion and then they both seethed with a noticeably dark aura cloaking them. "Dei-da-ra," they both growled angrily. They plotted to kill him later. Well, it was a start. At least they shut up and stopped arguing over the idiot.

The shopkeeper spoke more loudly this time with a slight growl, "Who's paying me?" When he narrowed his eyes, it seemed to make his eyepatch and the scars littering his face seem more frightening.

Neither of the girls had pockets and after Kurotsuchi patted herself down, she quickly ran off with a rather embarrassed grin. Tayuya, the older and quieter of the two, looked to shopkeeper and bowed. "Gomen nasai! I- I'm really sorry! He didn't mean to forget or anything and I don't have any money on me, but if you'd just let me-"

"Where's my money! Do I look like an idiot to you? Someone is going to pay _now_ or there's going to be broken limbs to make up for it," the shopkeeper snarled. He gripped Tayuya's arm easily over the counter, making the tiny girl shiver in fear.

Tobi just giggled and spun around in his chair. Apparently he had already paid for his ramen and was either oblivious to the situation or just didn't care or simply found it too amusing. Honestly, Konan had to believe the latter.

Konan sighed and forked over the amount that was written on the bill – plus a huge gratuity fee, which seemed to be complete and utter bullshit. It seemed that neither of them had pockets or money on them for that matter, so Konan ended up paying the bill with the last of her cash. Tayuya said 'good-bye' and they parted ways; Tobi had waited up for her and refused to pay the bill and they parted ways with the two girls. Obito was in charge of this mission _and_ its finances. Why the hell did Konan have to pay Deidara's restaurant bill? How the heck did one individual (other than Naruto) rack up a bill of over 70 ryo on ramen?

"Where's Itachi," Konan asked the masked man who had returned to being his serious self. "And just so you know, because _I_ had to pay, you owe me dinner." Her stomach embarrassingly growled and snarled in hunger. Damn it! She hadn't eaten anything all day!

Obito thought for a moment. "Well, I think he went to get us some rooms for the night. I'm not really sure where. I think Deidara heard him though."

"Only problem is that Deidara left already," Konan deadpanned.

"Yup," he said happily.

Konan turned red with rage. "Don't sound happy about it, stupid!"

"Tobi is a good boy!"

Konan growled curses under her breath in a very unladylike manner and together, with Tobi/Obito, they began their hunt to find which inn the others were staying at. Luckily there were only three which were mostly used during the time of the chunin exams, but with what luck Konan had they didn't find them until they trudged on to the third one. It wasn't as ritz as the second hotel or as cheap and infested as the first. Honestly, Konan would've have stayed at the first anyways even if she got a room there.

**~xXXx~**

"What do you mean I have to share a room with one of _you_," Konan seethed. She was feeling self-conscious at having to share a room with a guy - well that and in fear of her life of three particular men.

"Hn."

"I'm not rooming with Tobi, un," Deidara raged. "He keeps trying to get into my bed!"

Konan turned to the – perverted idiot – masked man and raised her eyebrows. "Really? Sleeping with Deidara," she deadpanned.

Tobi shrugged. "Senpai's warm and fuzzy like a wittle kitty cat," he said twirling girlishly on one foot.

"What did you say, un?!"

Tobi waved his hands frantically, "Er, nothing senpai! Nothing! Heh heh," he chuckled nervously in a pathetic attempt to convince Deidara of his uneasy, rushed words.

"We should put Deidara and Konan together," Itachi added, which wasn't a _bad_ idea but come on? Who wants to room with a psychotic, homicidal bomber? (He also blows up his alarm clock every morning.)

"**NO!**" Deidara and Konan both said at the same time.

"Why do I have to be roomed with _him_?"

"Why do I have to be roomed with _her_, un?"

"Deidara and Tobi will kill each other if roomed together," Itachi stated blandly, "and Deidara is – according to him – my rival; he might try to get himself blown up while I sleep."

"Huh?" Konan felt as though she missed something?

"I wouldn't blow myself up, Itachi-baka, un! I'd blow _you_ up and turn you into tiny bits!"

Itachi shrugged and turned away, headed for his - and apparently Tobi's - room. "Hn. I'm going to shower." Then he was gone. Apparently Deidara's threat wasn't important enough to care about.

Deidara cried out in frustration and stalked off to the room Konan would be sharing with him. She crossed her fingers hoping that nothing would happen to where they'd be evicted or billed for an immense amount of damages.

Which left Konan standing in the third floor hallway next to a masked psycho with split personalities. They both stood there in silence, having each other's steely gaze rested upon them until they heard a door a few feet to the right open and saw a brunette walking away from them towards a bathroom down the hall with a towel under his arm. He wasn't wearing much, just a dark blue shirt with the Uchiha clan symbol and grey pants, as he stalked off to the bathroom. The pair followed him with their gaze. The Uchiha disappeared from the hallway with the closing of a door and the two elder Akatsuki members held each other's gaze once more.

It seemed to be an unprovoked staring contest that manifested out of nothing but each other's discomfort and discontent with the other. Obito turned away first to glance around the hallways and handed Konan a journal from his cloak; it was scribbled on and slightly charred and it looked like a teenager had owned it with all of the drawings across it.

"What the hell is-"

"Read it," Obito gestured towards the book.

Konan stopped turning it over in her hands and saw the etched it letters on the front. De – I –Da – Ra. Oh shit; this was Deidara's journal. She looked around nervously like a person would right before they do something they weren't supposed to. Slowly she opened onto the first page and began to look at the sketches – the writing was too messy and off-handed to read. It was like an angry five-year old scribbled in their parents' sketchbook. That's mostly what it was and that's what caught her eye. The book was filled with drawings of varying grades; some were poorly drawn or cartoon-like and others were beautiful and meticulous and looked like they could jump off the page and come to life at any second.

She flipped through the pages until she came to somewhere in the center with the scribbled unevenly spaced words above a seductive half-naked Itachi. Her cheeks flushed and she stared down at the page. Konan had never seen Itachi actually _in_ a pose like this but Deidara had somehow managed to capture his essence on that page. The drawing gave him the deadly and mysterious and beautiful appearance he always had in person. His bangs were tossed and messy, his pale snowy white chest was bare, and his pants were unzipped. It made her heart beat faster, making her pull from the deepest corners of her strength and chakra to keep from having a nosebleed as she turned the next page and found something somewhat the same kind of image and she looked up at Obito whom still stood there, watching her.

Obito obviously knew the question that was burning on the tip of her tongue. "He keeps it hidden in the side pocket of his left pouch," he answered her wordless question.

She turned the journal towards Obito and held it up, pointing at the picture. "You don't steal other people's journals! Hell! You _don't_ steal other peoples' porn," she quietly seethed at the masked man that didn't seem the slightest bit flustered by her angry whispers and aura of malicious intent. Inside on that page was a drawing of Deidara and Itachi in a _questionable_ position. '_Well, at least I know what I'm missing now_,' Konan thought to herself in a fangirl sort of way, practically screaming in her head, whereas on the outside, she appeared as pissed off as she could ever be at Obito stealing the journal.

Obito shrugged and scuffed a boot against the floor over and over. He was uncomfortable having stolen Deidara's journal now that Konan was looking at it, but know the Uchiha he had probably read through the entire thing by now to think of a way to use it to his advantage.

Konan just shook the thought away. It was best not to think about it; too many strange things came to mind. She turned the book back to herself and examined the picture of the unlikely couple having sex. One part of her wanted to scream out loud and have a yaoi fangasm over the drawing. Obviously Deidara himself was an 'ItaDei' fan himself. She cautiously flipped through the pages, each showing either a different sketch of Itachi in a sensual pose or a sketch of Itachi '_dominating_' the smaller more feminine Deidara. She was in a trance with her eyes scanning the blonde's sketches of intimate origin. Konan had no idea how long she was actually standing there until there was a loud rumble snapping her back to awareness.

**BANG!**

Smoke rose from underneath the door of the room Konan and Deidara were sharing. It reeked of burnt carpet and hair and something else. The bluette's eye twitched in annoyance. How can someone who draws so well and make such elaborate sculptures be so obsessed with watching the world burn to the ground through 'art'?

Something brushed by Konan's hand in an instant and disappeared, but it was hardly noticed.

A sputtering blond exited, holding a familiar glob of pale blue. His hair was slightly burnt and singed and he looked frustrated and upset before storming out the door. Deidara stomped towards the pair with the melted lump and outstretched his hand to Konan. "Here, un," he said in a cranky gruff tone.

Suddenly, Konan recognized the mass and a wave of several emotions crossed her mind, but her face remained as unexpressive as one of Nagato's Six Paths of Pein. "Is this my favorite stapler?"

The blond huffed and brushed his singed bangs out of his face and casually answered, "Yeah."

Konan gazed at the short, evil, stapler-murdering man, "Why did you blow up my stapler?"

The blond shrugged and leaned on the wall, crossing his arms. "It seemed like a good idea, un. I've never destroyed a stapler before; who needs it anyways, un?"

Konan took a breath. '_Don't lose your temper. Don't lose your temper. Don't lose your temper._' The paper-nin was already seeing red at the edges of her vision. She loved that stapler, even though she had only managed to keep it for the past six months after the last _incident_. (Let's just say, even Pein can feel pain when he gets an unwarranted, unexpected piercing. He crushed her last stapler with **'Shinra Tensei'** and blamed it on the wind, even though they had no wind-wielding nins and no windows underground in the lair.)

"You _idiot_," Konan said gritting her teeth in an unladylike manner, keeping her voice low and menacing. "That was _my_ stapler. You are going to regret this in an unpleasant manner, in which I will personally cut off your-"

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH MY JOURNAL TOBI, UN?

Konan sweatdropped. '_Ignored…'_

Tobi looked up from the pages he was flipping. "Hi senpai", he said waving happily, reverting to his 'innocent idiot' side. "I was looking at the pictures of senpai and Itachi-san wrestling naked!"

Deidara and Konan stared at him in shock. Konan's expression was blank, in contrast to all the events and thoughts running through her mind. The thought of cutting off Deidara's dangly bits evaporated as she saw the blonde's expression. His eyes were wide in shock and his jaw had dropped leaving the talkative brat utterly wordless.

'_Tobi, you fucking moron! Do you have a death wish or something?_' When did he even snatch the journal?

"Give. It. To. Me. Now, un!" Deidara reiterated a step in between each word with his hand outstretched.

Tobi slunk away with his gaze on his senpai. "What if Tobi doesn't wanna? Senpai draws pretty!" He practically jumped for joy and gasped before screaming, "Tobi wants to play keepaway!" He sounded like a gleeful child about to play a fun game.

Within moments, Deidara was chasing Tobi around the halls in hot pursuit for his journal. He didn't bring out any clay so Konan was mildly surprised that there was at least _something_ in this world the blonde revered highly enough not to destroy. Deidara was screaming and cursing the laughing, demented masked man while the pair zigged and zagged around the third floor hallway until Tobi stopped and whipped invisible sweat away.

"Whew! Timeout senpai! Tobi's getting tired", Tobi said while making the time-out motion. The journal was against his chest.

Deidara screamed at him and lunged, "That's because you're a fat ass". The blonde went straight through the other side and landed someone behind the journal-thief with a squeak of surprise; a now very _naked_ and still very _damp_ someone.

Now Konan was actually having her nosebleed. Tobi turned around to observe the scene with her and gasped.

When Deidara was chasing Tobi through the halls, no one had noticed the raven haired ninja had stopped showering and had come down the hall to investigate the explosion and the lack of screaming thereafter until Deidara started it up again. He had come to make sure no one was dead, he later reminded us, in the same manner Shikamaru might, saying that, 'I_t would be a set back if one of my teammates expired on behalf of Deidara. It may postpone the mission and give the remaining group an unsatisfactory performance._' Itachi had been maybe ten to fifteen meters away having postponed his shower and adorning his waist with a complimentary towel, and when Deidara lunged into him his towel had fallen away.

It wasn't just that though. When the two collided, they had accidentally locked lips and were now staring at each other blankly after breaking their pseudo-kiss.

'_Now I can die happy; they live happily ever after_', was the only thing that went across the blue haired kunoichi's thoughts until she remembered her other fangirl shippings that she had to see: NaruHina, ShikaTema, maybe NaruSasu, SasuSaku, and she had to see the silver haired ninja fall in love, her all-time favorite character, Kakashi Hatake.

Itachi was the first one to break the spell as the two young men just stared at each other, "Get off."

Deidara quickly scrambled off, only to make the situation more awkward by stumbling, which wouldn't have been that bad, but Deidara caught himself on Itachi's thigh. At some point the tongue in that palm snaked out and began to savor the young Uchiha's essence. Itachi was still naked.

Itachi practically threw Deidara who landed cat-like a ways away on his bare feet. "Geez, it was an accident, un!"

The Uchiha snatched his towel off the floor and quickly wrapped it around his waist before walking rather briskly back to the bathroom to probably wash away the feeling of the blonde's palm-mouth on his bare thigh.

Deidara quickly followed suit and stormed into the room him and Konan were sharing. The rest of the night he was in bed with the covers over his head. He had completely forgotten about the journal, giving Konan time to write her next piece. She couldn't help but think about the pair they would make. Well, it'd be interesting, that's for sure. Deidara is a crazy, rambunctious, unruly brat who does whatever he wants to do and has a hard-on for destruction; Itachi was a calm, stoic, shielded, intelligent pacifist who always mocked the blond and tried his best to completely ignore him. He never showed any sign of liking anyone, but she knew that the characters in this world were a little different to say the least. Unlike Naruto's Sasuke, this world's Sasuke was a kind, manipulative playboy who would do anything to have women fawn over him; rumor had it, he got it from Itachi. It was hard to tell on the surface, but Itachi was actually smoldering and flirtatious whenever he was away from 'work'. Or at least, Konan had heard that. She had also heard that he was bisexual, but hey, it's a rumor. Konan ust didn't know how the blond bomber had changed. Maybe he's straight in the other world? That would be a shocker because Konan seriously thought Deidara and Itachi's relationship in the Naruto world was equivalent to Naruto and Sasuke's relationship. They had a rivalry and an unrequited love, but Konan doubted Naruto-world's Itachi felt anything but contempt for the blond.

Konan's head hurt thinking about it. She didn't even know how her Deidara and Itachi had met anyways so she ignored her screaming fangirl questions and began writing a piece using what she had seen in Deidara's journal and her imagination. It wasn't long before she had finished and resealed her laptop before going to bed. Tomorrow, the real mission began.

* * *

Okay! Chapter 2 is done! Review and I'll have the next chapter out soon!


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